As I sat down today to ponder what it was that I was going to write about for you, I began to think about the word “allow” and why it has become such a prominent word in my vocabulary recently. If you listen to the podcast I co-host on, Around Grandfather Fire, you will recognize this next story about how I retrieved a soul shard that had been lost to me since I was about 10 or 11. Now, I will be the first to admit that often, when dealing with life issues, or missing pieces, it very rarely boils down to a missing soul shard. I had done my due diligence and had realized that there was a significant piece of my soul that was missing and had caused me pain and miss direction for many years. That doesn’t mean that now it is back that I’m all healed and instantly better. These things often take time and consideration and Work to reintegrate it back into your life.
With that being said, it has been a month since I have returned the shard to myself and had gotten assistance in helping it to find its place within my soul recently. Since then, I have been exploring and understanding what this shard was, how I lost it, and how to work with it’s 10-year-old knowledge and how that fits in with my almost 32-year-old self. It is a very slow-going process and parts of it are rather painful and mysterious.
For those of you who are curious, the shard I retrieved was my self-worth. For the better part of 3 or 4 years, it had been chipped away at until finally one event I recall with certain clarity broke it off to be lost for the better part of 20 years. Looking back at those years without my self-worth, I can see where it was missing and how I had made certain decisions that I may or may not have made if it were intact. But, alas, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if that event hadn’t of broken it off. And it was so fragile by then anyway, anything probably would have forced it to flee in order to protect what was left of it. I don’t look back on that moment with malice, or hatred for what the individual said. Instead, I look back at the event fondly, because it was necessary for the growth that I am now experiencing. It was a blessing, to be sure.
Now, you’re probably wondering what was it that made me realize that it was missing? This next part is messy and hard. So, feel free to stop reading now if you don’t want to see the darkness. I will allow you to leave this post for what it is and move on to the rest of your day. Staying, huh? Alright, here we go.
I was made aware of the missing piece by revisiting the day that I found out my best friend of 20 years had finally given up her battle to cervical cancer. She had been suffering for five years and finally decided that it was time to go. That was approximately 2 years ago (2017) that she moved on to be an ancestor. Most of that day (and the days to follow) I don’t really remember. It wasn’t until Otorongo came to me in a meditation earlier this year (2019) and asked me to follow her did I realize how badly I had been broken that day. She showed me the day in fast forward from the moment I read that text to when my husband left for work that evening. Then she paused the day as I watched myself sink to the floor, back to the front door, weeping. She asked me if I was ready to see what I needed to see in order to get better. Because I was not ok, despite this journey taking place over a year after her death.
With fear deeply imbedded within my heart, I nodded slowly, accepting whatever it was to come. Kuntor appeared and changed the way I saw the scene. Instead of seeing it the way a human would see it, I instead saw it the way spirit would see it. Everything was in greys and blacks as the initial break down took hold, but once the reality of my loss hit past-me, I saw it. My soul shattered like a claymore going off in a war zone sending bits and pieces in all directions and in the very center, I saw the gapping, wounded hole that had been left by the very first shard I had lost 20 years prior to this loss.
Likely sensing that the scene was becoming to be too much for me, Otorongo and Kuntor pulled me away from it, all the while embracing me like family, whispering to me that I was ok and that it was time to heal and when the time came to retrieve that integral piece, I would know it.
Fast-forward to June (2019), sitting around the sacred fire of Michigan Pagan Festival with my friends around me in a safe environment, Otorongo came in and said it was time. Following protocol, I approached my mentor as well as the guardian of the labyrinth (a Celtic maze meant for reflection and contemplation) and asked if it were ok that I used the labyrinth as a way to go to where my first shard was being kept. I assured them both that I would have help in the process and they both agreed that this was an excellent way to retrieve this piece. I returned to the fire while the pair called forth their allies to assist me in this journey and said my prayers for a safe trip there and back. I asked a trusted friend to say prayers and pack my pipe for the journey before gathering up my Kuntor staff, my mesa, and my grandfathers’ hat.
When I got to the gate, I called to Otorongo and entered the labyrinth with her being my guide. The trek there and back I will keep to myself, because something has to be kept sacred and personal. But the result was that I had been successful, mostly because of the human, spirit, and ancestral allies I had built up over the past 6 years. And to them I am eternally grateful, because it would have never happened if they were not at my side.
That trip was difficult, but no where as difficult as the weeks that followed it. So much got stirred up in my life that I was beginning to wonder if it was a mistake to retrieve it and if I would have been much better off without it. It was worth it, just so you know.
I began to realize that I had no idea who I was because of how long I had lived a life serving only others and never myself. I had always thought myself to be selfish, but how silly that idea was now looking back. I realized that I had done everything in my life to ensure the happiness of others, never wondering what life would be like if I had decided to do things that made ME happy. I saw how restricting I had been with myself and my desires, fear always being the fascia over the muscle of why I never did anything to improve myself and my life. I lived to serve others. And this isn’t even all of it, either! So much came up that I became overwhelmed at times and had to sit quietly to sort out my mind without actually sorting it. Quietness became my friend and my ally.
Meditation was one the very first tools I had ever learned on my path, and now more then ever it is the most important tool I use outside of the work I do with my Mesa. Honestly, I would be completely lost without those adorable little stones.
Within this realm of re-learning who I am, I am beginning to re-learn certain powerful words that are helping me to sort out aspects of my life, one of those words being “allow”. At first, it was a word that I used mostly towards myself when thoughts of doubt or fear crept up, but now it is being used towards others who might demand something of me when I am going off to do something that I want to do because I want to or because I’m bored or whatever the reason is. I use the phrase “I’m allowed to do that.” Because before I would fold and adhere to whatever it was they wanted me to do because it would make them happy, even if the cost was my own comfort or happiness. But now, I’m re-learning boundaries by “allowing myself to simply just be.”
The word “allow” has also helped me to recognize the emotions that come up within me. I’m allowed to be sad, I’m allowed to be at peace, I’m allowed to feel anger, I’m allowed to feel proud of what I’m doing and accomplishing. What I’m not allowed to do is allow those emotions to affect the way I react/act in life. I can feel these things all I want, I can analyze them and process them and really get to the bottom of what they are and why I might be feeling them, but they are not allowed to dictate the way I respond to the world. What I am allowed to do, is to approach everything through my heart center and express myself that way. It’s a process for sure, and I am not an expert or even a pro at it at all. And I’m allowed to NOT be, yet.
The biggest “allow” that I’ve allowed myself is that I’m allowed to heal. It is within my right as a spirit locked in a meat prison to experience healing and to figure out what that means. I’m allowed to change and explore who I am now. I’m allowed to be that person in between who I was and who I’m going to be. I’m allowed to take my time and understand it. I’m allowed to just be. But most importantly, I’m allowed to fail. I’m allowed to get stuck or to fall short of the mark. And I’m allowed to get back up and keep moving. I’m allowed to learn and expand. I’m allowed to reach for my goals, whatever those may be now. I’m allowed to just be who I am while I’m still figuring it out.
This very simple, yet terrifying and complex practice of just simply allowing things to be what they are has brought about an unusual amount of healing, peace, and comfort.
So, what do you allow today? What is the tiniest thing you can allow to just be to make tomorrow better?
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and I hope it sparks moments in your life that you normally wouldn’t allow because of what someone else expects of you. Join us on our podcast and listen in to us nerds talk about spirituality, pop-culture, video games and so much more on the podcast Around Grandfather Fire. We have some exciting things coming up soon and I hope you guys can be apart of them! Until next time, love to you all ❤